‘They posted spoilers’ and other legal defences for murder

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I’m not a lawyer or anything but I’m pretty sure these defences would all hold up in court. Here is every circumstance in which you could kill someone and no jury could possibly convict you.

They insisted on talking in the Quiet Zone on a train, when there are eight other carriages available.

They started all their sentences with “we” even though they’d been in a relationship for less than a month.

They cut in front of you at the bar, and proceeded to recite a lengthy, complicated drinks order when you just wanted a pint.

They wilfully ignored the accusations against Woody Allen, Johnny Depp, Chris Brown, and a whole host of other famous men because “I just like his films / music.”

They posted spoilers for a TV show online when it had only been on Netflix for less than a week.

They were holding hands while slowly walking directly in front of you on the pavement, like they were playing the world’s worst game of Red Rover.

They only started looking at the menu in a takeaway once they had reached the front of the queue and it was their turn to be served.

They said Hillary Clinton was “just as bad, if not worse” than Donald Trump.

They kept insisting you watch Mad Men and Breaking Bad and wouldn’t shut up about it, even though they didn’t watch RuPaul’s Drag Race like you recommended.

They put on some kind of cringey accent when reading the menu at an Indian or Chinese restaurant.

They got back into their car at the petrol station and spent a full five minutes faffing about with their radio before finally driving off, like the rest of us need fuel too you Audi driving monster!

They cheated on you and then they were all “but we never said we were exclusive.”

They started doing loud DIY at 8 o’clock on a Sunday morning like some kind of hangover-free sociopath.

They made a heinously racist, sexist or homophobic comment and then pretended it was just a joke.

They offered to make you a cup of tea, but then they put the milk in first.

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